Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Pulse

dir. Jim Sonzero

It sure was nice of Sir Ben Kingsley to get all made up for this one.

Guest Article!
Joey Devine, ALAMEDA
April 3, 2007 - DVD

I hate Gore Verbinski. That fucker and his boring ass ring movie have ruined the teen horror genre. Lately, I’ve found myself perusing the new release wall pining for the days of Final Destination, I Know What You Did Last Summer and all of those really mediocre middle to late ‘90s Scream rip offs. Instead all we get are fucking innocent blonde ladies being terrorized by fucking children and houses; and in this movie, internet savvy ghosts. That’s right, in this one Death goes High Tech! Pulse stars a who’s who of young Hollywood: Veronica Mars, That Guy With the Weird Hair from Old School, the Jewish guy from Freaks and Geeks, some dude from Lost (speaking of which, who the fuck watches THAT show?), and Christina Milian who I think I heard mentioned on TRL one time when I was drunk. So yeah, that’s the cast. Excellent, excellent cast. I’ll let the hysterical old lady from the middle of the movie explain the plot:

“They came through the computer! We heard it’s safe in the dead zones! Anywhere there’s no computers, no phones, no Wi-Fi! Anywhere they can’t come through!”

Thanks for summing that up for me, screenwriter. This movie somehow manages to be a boring Japanese horror remake mixed with crappy 28 Days Later empty streets paranoia. All leading up to a hilariously stupid race against cell phone signal bars. Read that last sentence again, because it’s not a typographical error.

THE THRILLING FINALE OF PULSE IS A RACE AGAINST CELL PHONE SIGNALS!

Who wouldn’t want to see that? In fact I take back everything thing I’ve said, Pulse is great! Ms. Mars is a cute as a button leading lady. The choice of never properly lighting the scenes is genius. Freaks and Geeks guy is Rob Schneider in Judge Dredd-esque as the comic relief. And this movie is literally pulse pounding! (har har har)

If you want to find yourself asking questions like...

“Why doesn’t anyone turn any lights on?”
“Is Ted Raimi in Grudge or Grudge 2? "
"Did I even see Grudge 2?

“Man, are the Japanese versions just as crappy?”
“What’s worse, this or The Skeleton Key?”
"Didn't I sleep through most of The Skeleton Key?"
and most importantly, “What hath Gore wrought?”

...then by all means, see Pulse. It’s totally boring and stupid.

~Joey “Sure, I’ll contribute to your website, but only if I get to write about mediocre and crappy movies no one cares about” Devine

6 comments:

Jeff Larson said...

A+ The gipper would be proud.

Anonymous said...

Joey,
I guess the frisson was one-sided. Don't call.
Kristen Bell

Robert said...

the best line is:
"Thanks for summing that up for me, screenwriter" which is a problem for most movies.

also, I sutumbled by Kalen's pod-o-matic site a while back. The Long Gone Daddy thing is good, but i've tried leaving comments 15 times and it never loads.

I look foreward to your review of 28 Weeks Later and Redline.

joey devine said...

Dear Kristen,

Baby! Please! It was all a stupid joke! C'mon Baby! I'll take it down if you want me to! Why aren't you answering your phone? I still have your G.G. Allin 7 inch. We both know you can't live without it. You're going to have to see me again some time. I'm so sorry. JUST ANSWER THE PHONE!!!!

~Joey

Kalen Egan said...

Robert,

I'm amazed to discover that someone's actually been to that podomatic site. I get all these stat reports about viewers located in the middle east and Germany and stuff, so I just assumed it was sitting there collecting automatic scanner hits like a shelf collect dust. Thanks for watching and reading.

And Kristen... you know the way your threats just stoke Joey's fire. Don't act like you don't like it rough.

John Cippolina said...

I'm confused